Finding it hard to be there for your father or mother?

Imagine some stranger decided that you are such an incredible person that he wants to take
care of your every need.
For starters, he arranges that you have a livelihood.
But not just a livelihood – an entire life of parnassah, from when you’re 25 years old until 90
and even arranges your shidduch,
This one person completely changes your life.
So, you’re probably saying, “What a ridiculous story! No one would ever do that for me!”
Are you sure about that?
Somebody did. Your parents.
You might say, “My parents didn’t arrange my parnossah, or marry off my children, I did.”
Are you sure about that?
The only reason you were able to make a parnossah, have children, and buy a house, is
because you exist in the world.
And you exist in the world only because of your parents!
You are probably shocked by these opening lines. The speaker goes on to cite the Sefer
Hachinuch , one of the main sources of outlining and explaining our mitzvos.
This is what he says:
The Sefer Hachinuch explains that gratitude is the root of the mitzvah of Kibbud Av V’aim.
He writes, “One should recognize that his parents are the reason he exists in the world. For this
alone he is indebted to them – a debt he can never repay!”
He continues and makes his point:
But we live in 2023 and Entitlement is the religion of America .
My parents need to do everything for me – then, maybe I will honor them.
The above statement reflects on much more that we would want to admit.
Who took care of you when you couldn’t eat or walk yet, were in pain, or needed
medical care? Who paid for your schooling, clothes, toys, other needs as you grew
older? Who paid for your shadchan, wedding clothes, wedding, music, photography?
And of course, who paid a good part of your living expenses, such as rent, when you
were in Kollel – and for how long? 3, 4 or maybe even more years? Where is the
Hakoras Hatov for all that? (I have only uncovered the tip of the iceberg.)
You might ta’anah , life isn’t easy, there is so little time for doing things outside of your
immediate family (i.e. spouses and kids). We agree – life isn’t easy. But lonely life is
even harder. You come to a Shabbos table – tutz zuch ! The kinderlach are singing (and
even if they’re not singing, but making trouble), you go from kid to kid (hopefully)
discussing the week’s parsha sheet. If they’re older, perhaps discussing the week in
yeshiva or Bais Yaakov. You have nice meals with all the trimmings, light and warmth.
But, parents and older people, what’s their Shabbos table like? Friday night they sit
quietly chomping on their food. An occasional word here and there, maybe. Shabbos
day, veiter , they sit quietly chomping on their food. An occasional word here and there,
maybe. Shalosh Seudos – same thing. Perhaps someone will call Motzei Shabbos to ask
how was Shabbos? How are the old folks feeling? Nah…just veiter a quiet and boring
night .
A simple phone call a few times a week will do them a world of good. Keep Bubby and
Zaidy in the loop. You can mamesh be mechayeh meisim ! We used to say, “Do you know
where your children are?” Now we can ask “Do you know how your parents are?” Do
you check on them? Are you aware of their health situation? Financial situation? What
are you doing? Waiting until it’s chas v’sholom too late…and then what? Someone once
commented, “the whole family gets together by shiva…how about getting together
while your parents are still alive”? An elderly woman in her 80s commented, “Just wait
till they get to my age, and they can’t keep up and do what they used to do. How are
their kids going to treat them?”
To sum it all up, I wish to quote another line from CCHF’s Sholom Challenge:
because the sole reason to honor your parents
is that they are the reason you exist.
Something to think about, no?
A Zaidy in NY